Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Twinkle in Her Eyes

As I gazed intently into her eyes, in disbelief, I realized that she only stood before me in pursuit of the hunt - to prey on my misfortunes, searching to fulfill the voracious appetite of her greedy heart. And I succumbed, as stupid as an injured doe walking straight into a hungry lion's den. Not only did I succumb, but I wept. I wept. I wept hot tears that burned the tender flesh upon my cheeks, that charred deep, hideous scars along the long, empty corridors of my withering heart. As I collapsed to the earth, I clutched the folds of her skirt, burying my throbbing skull deep into its ruffles, like an abscessed wound thriving on healthy flesh.

No, I had not expected her to mend the shattered pieces of my heart with the needle and thread of her compassion, for her heart is far too cold for that. No, I simply wanted to feel the warmth of her body against mine, for I had no where else to go, no where else to hide.

But she pulled back, retreating , stumbling past the exposed, rotting chords of the ancient piano, nearly fainting upon the bitter hardwood from great fear that my pitiful vulnerability would indeed expose her own. She steadied herself upon the nearest chair, turning towards me once again. The great oceans of my eyes pleaded with the cold, black pupils of her eyes to open to me. But she did not yield. She stared back coldly.

I always thought that in the end, family would be my saving grace, but as I collected my belongings that had scattered across the ground and rose upon my shaky feet, I realized that my family had indeed helped me in quite a different way. Through all of these moments that I have spent with my family, through all of these years, I have always made the same mistake of being too dependent, too needy. Each time I opened my heart, the bitter tastes of rejection and apathy would fill my heart with tar. As they expressed their problems and troubles to me, wanting nothing more than a mute set of ears, the forced ingestion would choke me, burying my emotions deeper and deeper into the pit of my being.

As I closed the door behind me, bitter tears trembling from my lashes, I walked out into the fog, resolving never to return again. I must not linger on the hope that one day, maybe even far in the future, those who I love most will open their hearts to me....I must not let my heart linger, for as unchanging their hearts are, the world is ever-changing. I have been lost far too long.

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